Have you ever wondered “why didn’t I get it the first time they said it”?
Maybe you need to be told multiple times before things click and you take action. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re unable to understand or change. The message maybe wasn’t the right one at the right time or delivered in the right way.
That’s why people stay in jobs that make them miserable. Or why it takes them longer to recognise an exciting opportunity in life. Sometimes they realise it too late.
Today, I want to invite you to reflect on the open tabs in your brain. I typically visualise them as open drawers that I keep hitting my shin against, but that – for some reason – I don’t shut. Why do we do this and how can we take action at an earlier stage?
Explanation 1: You haven’t been able to fully understand the message
This one sounds like a bad thing, like you’re incompetent, but that’s not what I mean. Let me explain.
From age 14 to 18, I had a private math tutor and I have SO MUCH to thank him for. When I started weekly sessions with him, I felt incompetent at first, but realised quickly that he simply explained things in different ways from my math teacher. He explained them as many times and in as many ways as I needed until I understood.
He changed my experience of math in school and helped me go from someone who was at risk of failing the year (in Germany if you get a grade 6 – the lowest – in one of your subjects, you have to repeat the entire year) to someone who was consistently at a B+ to A- level at the end of my time in high school.
When you don’t understand something that you feel you should, it’s discouraging and demotivating. Don’t give up here. Find a way to figure it out. This can be either by doing your own research or by accessing the knowledge in different formats, presented by different people.
Whether you’re learning Python, or object-oriented programming, or video editing, writing, French, etc. – it will be hard at times. Some stuff will feel impossible to figure out. That’s when it counts:
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Check for online resources that are different from those you’ve used so far.
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Ask someone you know who is an expert, or significantly better than you, to explain things to you.
If you can identify what exactly you’re struggling with, it will be easier to find the right help.
Explanation 2: Maybe it simply isn’t important enough
I first tried learning programming languages as a teenager. My boyfriend at the time bought be a book on PHP4. It was heavy enough to double as a door stop. I never made it past “Hello World”. The same happened with other programming languages.
My go-to explanation is “it’s not how my brain works”, but that’s an excuse, because I know I am intelligent enough to learn it. I simply don’t want it enough. I would rather learn a foreign language than a programming one. I find those more interesting.
Given my job and the career I’ve had, you might wonder why I wouldn’t focus on SQL, Python, R, and more with relentless enthusiasm. I have found other areas in this data and tech world where I can apply my skills and talents better and that are more me.
Sometimes when you find yourself struggling to develop a skill and gain the necessary knowledge, it could simply be that: It’s not important enough for you in your current life situation and professional career.
And you know what: that’s totally okay.
Here’s a tip on how to navigate this:
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Be really clear on the things you’re good at and the things you don’t know and don’t want to spend time on.
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Find the people who are good at those, who have complementary skills to yours and who you can team up with.
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Be unafraid to state clearly when something is outside your skillset and delegate accordingly.
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Offer the expertise you do have proactively to people.
An example from me is something like this: “Yes, I can speak to your management team about the company’s data culture and help them develop a clear roadmap for internal enablement across the teams. I can share examples and recommendations for helping people fall in love with this new technology, so they truly embrace it and adopt it across the organisation. For the hands-on workshop, I will involve my colleague <name> who will teach <topic> and we’ll make sure people come away from it knowing how to get started and with a set of tasks to work on.”
Explanation 3: It doesn’t hurt enough yet
Us humans are funny creatures. Most of us don’t improve our eating or exercise habits until we’re sick, in pain or told by a doctor about risk factors. We don’t seek marriage counseling until things have already broken down significantly in our relationships. We don’t leave jobs that make us miserable until ‘something better comes along’.
There are many examples, you probably have plenty of your own.
The truth is, when it comes to change, sometimes you’re not uncomfortable enough yet to get off the couch and set things in motion for the better. We wait until we have to change, rather than changing while we’re ahead and have a lot of positive energy driving us.
Something that’s helped me is to reflect a lot. I don’t sit under a tree to do this. I simply take situations that give me reason to pause – good and bad – and take time to think about them. While I’m walking or swimming or cooking I ask myself questions like:
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Why does this bother me so much?
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How could it have happened differently?
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What’s potentially going on in the other person’s life that they reacted this way?
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If they’re generally a nice person but they upset me, what could be behind that?
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How does this look from their side?
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What am I not seeing here?
By thinking through situations in this way, I have become better at recognising a need for change before things get chronically painful.
Sometimes you notice that things feel ‘off’. Don’t dismiss your intuition and instead reflect a bit on the situation. I don’t suggest you agonise or worry needlessly, but rather try to make sense of it and re-evaluate your own position.
As someone who went through divorce (which is never the plan when you first get married), I know what it’s like to let things pile up without addressing them. Without even noticing them. That’s why I am determined to pay more attention to the small stuff, address things when they smoulder, before they turn into a fire. And then I take action.
If you’re not ready for a change because things aren’t uncomfortable enough yet, use this massive opportunity to identify exactly what’s going on when you have the chance to correct the course of your job and career. Figure out what’s important for you, what the deal breakers are. Understand how you work best and with whom. And identify the stuff that’s difficult, political, annoying, upsetting. How can you deal with those things? Where do you need help? Are others willing to listen and change?
Reflecting, learning, finding other explanations, and separating what matters most from what’s nice to have, will help you gain clarity in your professional life and make changes on your terms, before you’re forced to.
Have a great week!
Eva
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