Throughout the course of your career you’ll say yes to a number of opportunities. I encourage people to do this but I also know how important it is to set boundaries.
Many people, myself included, feel overwhelmed at times. Setting boundaries helps prevent or at least manage these situations.
Let’s use this week’s newsletter to look more closely at how you can keep your inner peace and maintain a healthy balance in your life.
Think of boundaries as clarity
Earlier this year, my therapist gave me an incredibly helpful tip: instead of ‘setting boundaries’ which can sound negative and like rejection, think of it as ‘creating clarity’.
What does this mean?
Be clear about your values, your energy and time limits, and your expertise. Then clearly communicate these things, and people are less likely to cross your boundaries and put you in a position where you have to ‘defend’ yourself.
An example from me: In my job I get to speak at a lot of events. Two key factors determine whether I can commit to a speaking engagement:
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Is this topic in my area of expertise?
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Do I have sufficient time to prepare?
As long as I am clear about the topics I can cover (e.g. by sharing a list of topics) and the timeframe I require for preparation (e.g by giving estimates for different types of talks), chances are I’ll only get requests I can say yes to. My colleagues can – with enough information and clarity from me – determine whether I’m likely to say yes or no and whether it’s worth asking.
Establish your personal policy
There are more complex and uncomfortable situations where people overstep and fail to respect your boundaries. I want to share a tip that helps me in those more complex scenarios.
Grab a pen and paper or open your notes app and write down:
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What are your values? (e.g. honesty, excellence, being reliable, commitment)
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What is non-negotiable? (e.g. not working during family time, weekends, holidays)
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What is unacceptable? (e.g. flirting in the workplace, people asking you for private information, gossiping, sexual harassment)
This is your personal policy.
Now, this won’t be fool-proof in the beginning but it gets easier with practice. What it comes down to is referring to your personal policy in situations where you have to make a difficult decision.
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Don’t want to drink with your work colleagues but they’re peer-pressuring you to come to a bar?
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Make it your personal policy to not go drinking after work.
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It might feel a bit silly to say “No thanks, it’s my personal policy”, but the beauty is: no one can argue against your personal policy!
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Do you feel compelled to check and respond to emails over the weekend even though they’re never truly urgent?
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Put “time off during the weekend” in your personal policy and remind yourself of it when you feel tempted.
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Using the idea of a personal policy has been really helpful for me. I don’t use the phrase as such, but in my head I’m very clear on what I will and will not do. And when you communicate accordingly, things aren’t open to negotiation anymore.
Give others clear signals and free up mental space
I have recognised over the years that the best way to prevent someone from overstepping boundaries, is to clearly mark out those boundaries. This can be by stating them verbally or through your actions (doing specific things, e.g. speaking up) and inactions (not doing things, e.g. not checking emails during your holidays).
That clarity doesn’t just free up your time, it also helps with your inner peace. Your wellbeing is extremely important, and you want to look in the mirror each day, comfortable with the decisions you’re making and the path you’re taking. When you set those boundaries, you protect yourself and give yourself the chance to build a life and career true to your values.
Have a wonderful week ahead,
Eva