It’s been a month of events and travel for me and I had the chance to think about my own insecurities and observe those other people have and how they deal with them in a professional context.
Like much of my writing, the ideas for today’s newsletter have been plucked from real life situations and from sitting still and listening, so I hope you find something helpful in what I’m sharing this Monday.
Hands up if you don’t feel insecure about ANYTHING
We all have something we get hung up on. Whether it’s saying ‘ummmmm’, the size of our nose, our awkward dance moves, or the fact that there is this one thing at work we haven’t understood but everyone thinks we really get it.
Insecurities are totally normal and they don’t go away, even with age and wisdom (as far as I can tell).
What makes a difference is how you deal with them.
You can hide the stuff you don’t feel confident about or you can let everyone know. And there is quite a lot of room in between those two options and that’s where the answer lies.
Vulnerability can be great, but pick the right moments
I support people who want to show vulnerability and show up authentically. That includes the insecurities. BUT.
You colleagues, audiences, and stakeholders will appreciate you being honest if you don’t have the knowledge or experience to handle a situation. BUT: Don’t lead with it. Don’t let your lack of knowledge or experience be the first thing you tell them. Assess the situation, understand what they want from you and once you’re certain that it’s beyond what you can achieve, that’s when you share that information.
A bit of tough love: what not to say or share
Sometimes you might feel tempted to overshare, because you want to be honest and humble, but it can backfire.
Sharing your insecurities, whether it’s your weight or your most recent performance on a project, does something to the other person. It triggers thoughts and doubts in their mind and changes their perception of you.
And there is another aspect to it: some people genuinely don’t care. They don’t care whether you’re on a diet – so don’t discuss calories at a work dinner. They don’t care whether you didn’t get top grades in your MBA, because what they need from you doesn’t require a top MBA.
Pick wisely what you share so you don’t sabotage your chances before you’ve even finished your introduction.
What you’re doing when you cruise past your insecurities and focus on other topics instead, is that you steer the conversation towards things worth talking about.
So when should you talk about the stuff you can’t do or feel insecure about?
The short answer is: when it’s actually necessary to do so.
Here are a couple of scenarios:
Imagine you’re giving a presentation and you’re nervous as hell. You could tell the audience you’re nervous and they would start looking for all the signs like your hands shaking or you stumbling over your words.
If instead you simply deliver the presentation as planned and then chat with a colleague afterwards, you can share your relief “wow, I was so nervous, I’m really glad this is over” – “Really? I didn’t notice you were nervous, you seemed very in control”. How much better is that???
Or you’re at a work dinner with stakeholders. You’re working on changing your eating habits because you want to lose some weight. This is completely irrelevant for anyone else at the table but it’s on your mind a lot. You could awkwardly joke about salads and calories and I promise, people will awkwardly joke with you and either change the conversation because they really don’t care, or they’ll start worrying about their own food choices.
Instead, pick the damn salad but don’t make it a topic. You’re an adult and you’re free to eat a light meal, no matter what everyone else is doing. Drink sparkling water, skip dessert, if it helps you, but don’t make it a conversation topic. You’re at a dinner and nobody wants to discuss diets over dinner. Not every insecurity needs to be discussed, and your stakeholders aren’t your therapists.
My recommendation for you
Some things don’t need to be shared in a work context. For those things you want help with, be it your confidence when presenting, or the technical questions you need answers to, pick a moment with the right colleague and ask them for input and feedback.
We all experience doubts and insecurities at various points in our lives. They don’t define us and they shouldn’t consume our work days and fill them with worry and self-doubt. Give them a specific time slot in your calendar. Deal with these issues in those allocated times. During all other times, put them on ‘mute’.
Have a great week and I hope this helps you walk a bit taller.
Eva
